


Undeserved Kindness

by AcidBlossom



Series: Daniel's Redemption [2]
Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Development, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Male Character, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-02-17 19:14:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13083546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcidBlossom/pseuds/AcidBlossom
Summary: Daniel is kept safe in Camp Campbell.But just because he's safe doesn't mean he's completely fine yet.He still has a lot of recovering to do.





	1. Friendship Bracelets

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the promised sequel to Daniel's Story.
> 
> This is gonna be a weird story that's kinda all over the place??? Like some chapters will be about Daniel and David getting all lovey, some will be about Daniel getting to know the campers more, and some are just...things happening.
> 
> BY THE WAY this story kinda-sorta overrides the majority of Season 2 of the show and beyond. Not that I have any issue with those episodes (I adore this entire show), it's just the only way for any of this to, y'know...work.
> 
> Enjoy

Daniel was in the kitchen. Again.

He was baking. Again.

It had been a full week since he had been taken in by the camp. He had been baking every day, hoping to win the favor of the campers. It seemed to be working slowly but surely. At the very least, they were acknowledging that they were good and that he was the one that made them. A few of them were even thanking him.

It wasn’t much, but it was a start on the right track. And he was grateful for that.

He suddenly heard the backdoor of the kitchen open and slam closed. He turned around to see Max there. The young boy had a bored expression, blankly staring at him. Daniel was a bit nervous around Max, since he was the camper who trusted him the least. But he needed to act confident around him if he wanted to get any closer with him.

“Well hello there, Max!” he greeted him, forcing a grin. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be doing an activity with the others?”

“No. There isn’t an activity,” Max grumbled. He went to one of the drawers and took out a white plastic knife. “We’re supposed to be making friendship bracelets or some crap. Nobody gives a shit so we’re all doing our own thing.”

“Aww, that’s too bad. Friendship bracelets sound fun.”

“Sure, if you’re David.”

“Well, I’m baking you kiddos a super special chocolate cake for dessert tonight. Doesn’t that sound good?”

“Yeah it does, if you want us all to have diabetes by the end of the summer,” Max said flatly, playing with the knife in his hands. “How do you even get to bake this stuff anyway? We’re forced to choke down Quartermaster’s shitty potatoes and then right after we get your stuff.”

“Well, I’ve been dipping a bit into my personal finances so I can get the ingredients to make everything the best I can.” It wasn’t like he had a choice. With Campbell dead, no one was around to pay anyone. And even then, Daniel technically wasn’t even an employee. But it was okay, since he did have quite a lot of money to his name from his family and his savings.

Max wouldn’t know any of that, of course. He scoffed. “Where’d you get the money from? Did all your followers give you all their cash? Or did you loot their bodies?”

The world froze.

It was the first time any of the campers had said anything to his face about anything related to the cult. Of course he heard the things they said about it to David and Gwen, but now it was being said to him directly. To scare him. To make him remember.

Of course he didn’t take his followers’ money. His cult wasn’t a scam. It was grounded on beliefs. They were real beliefs. He was so sure it was all real, for the longest time…

Things started to move again. But everything was shaking. The light was fading into darkness, then it suddenly got too bright. He blinked, and all of a sudden he was somewhere else. He was suddenly standing on grass, surrounded by lifeless bodies. The warmth of freshly spilled blood was all over him. The nauseating scent was strong, blending with the stench of rat poison.

Then he couldn’t feel or see or smell anything. He couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was going to die.

“Daniel! Daniel, look at me!”

He blinked again.

He was on the kitchen floor, hyperventilating. He could hear himself wheezing and gasping. David was down with him, gripping him by the shoulders.

“Deep breaths, Daniel. Breathe with me, okay?”

Daniel carefully followed David’s instructions, keeping his view focused on his soft green eyes. They were familiar by now. They were calming.

Soon enough, his breathing was normal again, and he wasn’t shaking _too_ much. His cheeks were flushed from shortness of breath and embarrassment over the situation.

“I…” he panted, “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that.”

“You’re not the one who should apologize, Daniel,” David said softly. He then sternly looked off to the side. It was only then that Daniel realized Max was still there.

The small boy was looking away from them both, a look of shame in his eyes. Daniel was surprised to see such an expression on him.

“Max,” David said in a reprimanding tone. “Do you have something you want to say?”

Max sighed heavily. “Daniel, I’m sorry I brought up the…c-word stuff. I just wanted to fuck with you. I didn’t know you’d have a damn panic attack. I won’t do it again.” He seemed reluctant to apologize, but there was also some sincerity there.

Daniel forced himself to smile a little. “It’s okay, Max.”

David helped get back on his feet. His legs were shaking a little, but he managed to stay standing. Max still wouldn’t look at him.

“Well, now that that’s out of the way,” David said, beginning to smile, “I have something for you both!” He took out two yellow and green bracelets out of his pocket. He already have an identical one on his left wrist. “Friendship bracelets!”

“Did you seriously still make those?” Max groaned. “Even though literally nobody cares?”

“Yup! Here you go, Max,” David gave one to him before turning to Daniel. “And here’s one for Daniel.  Everyone in the camp has one to show that all of us are friends!”

Daniel was surprised. “ _All_ of us?”

“All of us! Especially you!” David put a hand on Daniel’s shoulder, beaming.

Daniel smiled happily, sliding his bracelet on. “T-Thank you, David. It means a lot to hear that.”

Max stayed silent, just staring at the bracelet in his hand.

“Well, Max and I will head back out for our next activity,” David said. “See you later, Daniel. That cake already smells like it’s going to come out great!”

“Thanks, David,” Daniel replied. He had honestly forgotten what he had been doing before now.

David exited the kitchen with Max following him. Daniel got back to work, getting the second layer of the cake into the oven. He took a deep breath. He looked at the friendship bracelet.

He hoped the supposed friendship it represented would last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey uh just a heads up, Daniel's gonna be baking a lot in this story.
> 
> Idk it's a weird headcanon that it's a thing he does to cope. Don't ask where it came from, it has a weird origin I don't really wanna explain.
> 
> It'll lead to some cute moments later on.


	2. Nightmare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up: 
> 
> This chapter has some...disturbing content. Be forewarned. As in, I considered having the Graphic Depictions of Violence archived warning just for this chapter. I may add it later, I'm not sure.

_Everything was perfect._

_The whole town had gathered together at the open field at the outskirts. They were all talking amongst each other about how excited they were to ascend. There were a few folding tables spread out, each one with a plate of snacks and large punch bowls of the murky purple elixir._

_Daniel was proud. He had managed to enlighten all these people about the truth of reality, about Xemug and everything else._

_He felt a tug on his shirt. He looked down and saw one of the little girls. She was wearing a white dress, her dark brown hair tied in tight pigtails. Her dark eyes were wide and unblinking. Her smile was huge and happy._

_“Mr. Daniel,” she said, monotone, “are we really going to meet Lord Xemug tonight?”_

_Daniel gave her a wide smile. “You sure are, Mimi. You and everyone else here will finally be at your happiest.”_

_“Will you meet Him too?”_

_He hesitated. “Well…not yet. Lord Xemug still wants me to visit other places and help the people there ascend. It’s my job to help him, and when he’s decided I’ve done enough, then I can finally ascend.”_

_Finally ascend. Finally end this horrible pain that filled him every day._

_Mimi’s head titled, expression unchanging. “Oh. I’ll miss you, Mr. Daniel.”_

_“I’ll miss you too. Now, go get your special elixir. I’ll let you know when it’s time.”_

_She nodded and ambled over to the punch bowl, where one of the school teachers poured her a glass of Kool Aid._

_Daniel was happy. Everyone seemed so ready, so determined to ascend. They were all pure, untouched by evil._

_How he envied them._

_After a few minutes, he silenced the crowd. He stood upon a crate and began to read the Passage of Ascension, a bit of scripture from the gospel he had written himself. Everyone of all ages and genders were staring up at him. They were all smiling. Their eyes only managed to blink once or twice every second, slowly as if they were struggling to do so._

_Daniel’s heart was pounding with excitement. Finally, it was about to happen._

_He yelled out, in a voice like his father used while giving homilies, “Now drink, and ascend to the next level!”_

_In complete unison, all of the towns people drank from their cups._

_Three seconds of silence._

_And then screaming._

_Everyone was screaming._

_They fell to the ground, clutching their stomachs and throats, writhing in very visible pain._

_Daniel froze._

_He wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. He thought he had put enough poison in to silence everyone and give them a quick ascension without suffering. There must have been a miscalculation somewhere…_

_Mimi shrieked, “Mr. Daniel! Help me! It hurts!”_

_His eyes survey all of the children in front of him. The children that had trusted him so much. They didn’t deserve to be in pain. No one here did._

_It was time for the emergency back-up plan._

_He pulled out a knife from his satchel. “Don’t worry, Mimi. Don’t worry, everyone. I’ll help you get there quicker.”_

_He went to the little girl and slit her jugular. Blood poured out of her mouth and her wound. She had ascended. She was the first one to ever ascend by Daniel’s hand._

_Thirty people were assisted in ascension by his knife that night. All the rest had to bear the last bit of suffering they would ever have to feel._

_Everyone had ascended._

_Everyone was dead._

_The blood was on his hands and on his clothes. It felt so disgusting. But it was worth it._

_He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He whispered to himself, “I did it. I succeeded. I helped them.” He needed to remind himself that this okay. That this was for a good cause. That this was so vitally important to the world._

_He opened his eyes._

_He was in darkness. The blood still soaked his body, but the bodies were gone. There were different bodies here now._

_He looked around and suddenly recognized them one by one._

_Space Kid. Nurf. Ered. Dolph. Nerris. Harrison. Preston. Nikki. Neil._

_Max._

_They were arranged around him in a circle. Purple liquid dripped from their lips. Their torsos were bloody._

_Horror filled him. When did he do this? It suddenly felt like there was a lot more blood on him. It felt hot and wet and sticky and gross. It made him want to vomit. It made him want to die._

_He looked straight ahead._

_David was in front of him. He was crying._

_The two men stared into each other’s eyes for what felt like forever, before David silently turned around and walked into the dark void, vanishing._

_“No, no! David!” Daniel called out. He wanted to run after him, but found himself unable to move. He realized he was crying now. “I- I’m sorry! I didn’t…I…They’re at peace now, I promise! Please understand!”_

_But he knew there was nothing to understand. There was no Xemug. There was no peace._

_Those kids were dead. All those people were dead. For no reason._

_Daniel put his face in his bloody hands and wept._

_Then he suddenly felt a presence behind him. Someone large. Then he felt two strong, big hands land on his shoulders._

_“Don’t worry, Danny,” the man said. “I understand.”_

_Daniel’s whole body paralyzed in fear. “No…No…you’re supposed to be-”_

_Mr. Campbell chuckled darkly as he squeezed Daniel’s shoulders. Those hands started to move down his body._

_“No, no, no!” Daniel sobbed, feeling things he never wanted to feel again. “Don’t touch me! Please don’t touch me! I’ll do anything, just don’t fucking touch me!”_

_He couldn’t stop him. He could only scream._

His eyes shot open.

He heard himself screaming.

He felt hands on him; smaller and gentler hands. They were holding him down to the sleeping bag he was sleeping in on David’s side of the cabin.

He remembered where he was. He was in the counselors’ cabin. David and Gwen were there.

“Shh, shh, Daniel,” David was saying. “It’s okay, you’re okay. We’re right here.”

“I…I…” Daniel was shivering, sitting up and looking around the room frantically. Reality was starting cement itself again, but he couldn’t shake off what happened. He hugged himself as images from his dream kept flashing in his memory.

“We know,” Gwen sighed, looking exhausted. “You were having one Hell of a night terror.”

Daniel knew this. He was used to awful, vivid dreams. Or at least, he was used to them coming, and he was used to being afraid, but he was never going to get used to the fear itself.

David whispered, “Gwen, you go back to bed. I’ll take care of him.”

Gwen gave him a suspicious look before yawning and standing up. “Alright, I guess. G’night.” She trudged back to her side of the cabin and plopped down on her bed, falling back to sleep almost instantly.

Daniel and David looked at each other. Daniel found it hard to face David, after seeing him in his dream.

“You were screaming ‘don’t touch me’ over and over,” David whispered. “Did you dream about…him?”

Daniel nodded, looking down. “And…and about the people I killed. And killing the campers. I don’t ever want to hurt them, I swear, but…I’m so scared of myself, David. I don’t know if-”

David shushed him and pulled him into an embrace. “It was just a dream. You’re okay now. I know you’re not going to do those awful things again.”

“How are you so sure?”

“I just know it. I trust you, Daniel.”

Daniel stayed silent. He didn’t trust himself; he never had in his entire life. But he trusted David more than anyone. And if David trusted him, then maybe he could trust himself just a little.

“Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” David asked softly, running a hand through Daniel’s disheveled hair. “It’ll help you if you’re somewhere more comfortable.”

“Will you hold me?” Daniel asked before he even realized it.

David smiled. “Of course I will. Anything to help you.”

They both got into David’s bed. There wasn’t much room for the two of them, but Daniel found himself feeling comfortable. David held him close. Daniel felt warm and safe, something he only seemed to feel when David was near.

He quickly drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep. He had never slept so well before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I THINK this will be the most visually disturbing chapter. I'm not sure, there will be at least two more nightmare chapters but it won't be even remotely this fucked up.


	3. Daniel and Gwen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content of (reformed) Daniel and Gwen interacting is virtually nonexistent.
> 
> Let's change that real quick.

David was out on a date with his girlfriend, Bonquisha.

Daniel was terrified.

It was just him, Gwen, and the campers. He was going to be stuck with everyone who didn’t trust him, without David being there to comfort him if anything were to go wrong.

He didn’t make dessert that night; he was too on edge to even try. No one seemed to mind, though. It was almost as if no one even noticed.

A couple of hours later, night had fallen and the campers were sent to their tents.

Daniel was alone with Gwen in the counselor’s cabin. He was huddled up in a chair with his hands on his lap. He stared at the blank screen of the TV. Gwen was nearby at the desk, reading a magazine. It was quiet. Daniel was used to quiet.

Maybe he should leave. He felt filthy, maybe he should take a shower. Maybe even two, back to back.

“Daniel?”

He yelped and looked at Gwen. “Uh…Yes?”

Gwen had a concerned look on her face. “Are you okay? You look like you’re about to have a fucking anxiety attack.”

He suddenly realized he was shaking. “Oh…Sorry, I was just…thinking.”

“About what?”

“Nothing.” He looked back at the TV.

“You know you can turn that on if you want to, right?” Gwen asked, her tone cautious. “Just don’t watch anything that’ll stress you out.”

“It’s fine,” Daniel said, his voice quieting down. “I’m going to take a shower in a minute.”

“But you took one this morning, and-”

“I’m not clean. I’m not clean enough,” he whispered to himself, as quietly as possibly. He didn’t want her to hear.

The fact she trailed off into silence made it clear that she did hear.

It was quiet again.

Daniel was frozen in place. He wanted to get up and run. Run far, far away. Maybe he could make it all the way to town and hope no one would recognize him. He would find David and cling to him. Hopefully Bonquisha would understand. Or maybe even better; he could get hit by a car on the way over, and the driver would kind enough to leave him for dead. That way, he wouldn’t be a burden to David or anyone else anymore.

He grinned, starting to rock back and forth in his chair. _God_ , he just wanted his existence to be erased from this horrible world already.

“Fuck it.” Gwen suddenly said. She got got from the desk and moved to the other chair with a determined expression. “Let’s fucking be friends, Daniel.”

Daniel flinched, impulsively hugging himself. “W-What?”

“There’s no reason to not trust you, right? And it’s awkward as Hell talking to you like we’re gonna be strangers forever.” 

“But…But why would you want to-”

“ _Daniel_. I’m serious. Let’s get to know each other.”

Daniel stared at her but finally smiled a little. “Okay. Thank you, Gwen. Let’s be friends.”

Gwen smiled back, and it looked completely sincere.

Then it was quiet again.

“Oh, uh, what should we talk about?”

“Um, I guess…what kind of stuff do you like? Books? TV shows?”

“I…” Daniel looked away from her. “I never had time for things like that.” He focused so much on developing a religion for a god that didn’t even exist. He never gave himself a chance to be a normal person.

“Well…Did you go to college?” Gwen asked.

Daniel made eye contact with her again. “Y-Yeah, I actually did. Theology major.”

Gwen smiled. “Liberal arts and psych. Not much I can do with those.”

“That’s more useful that what I have,” Daniel chuckled. “My college life was pretty dull. I was a slave to my studies, trying to make sense of all the things I was forcing myself to believe in. It’s how I’ve always been ever since…” He stopped himself. He wasn’t sure if David had told her about what exactly Mr. Campbell had done. He didn’t want to mention it. “Well, I guess it’s why I don’t have any hobbies.”

Gwen was about to say something, but was interrupted by the sounds of the campers’ yelling outside. She groaned, “Hold on a sec.” She got up and went out the door. Daniel could hear her yelling, “ _I thought I told you little shits to go to bed!_ ”

Daniel was impressed with her. Gwen was much fiercer than David, and while it was clear that the kids had just as much of a lack of respect for her, they at least listened to her more. Daniel wondered, would the kids ever have any respect for him? Would they trust him like they trusted David and Gwen? Would they ever even like him?

Gwen walked back and sat in her chair with a heavy sigh. “Sorry about that.”

“Gwen,” Daniel whispered, “do you think the kids will ever…like me?”

Gwen laughed. “Like you? They don’t even like me and David. Or if they do, they have a pretty fucked up way of showing it.”

“But do you think they’ll ever realize I won’t ever dare to hurt them? I really won’t, Gwen, I swear on my life-”

“Daniel, I know. I know you won’t hurt those kids.” She seemed much more serious now. It was almost scary. “I’m gonna be honest; if you’re gonna hurt anyone at this point, it’s gonna be yourself. You need help, and we’re gonna make sure you get it here. Somehow.”

Daniel wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. But he took her words to heart nonetheless. “T-Thank you, Gwen.”

He watched TV with Gwen as they waited for David’s return. It was an odd reality show that he found hard to enjoy, so he just stayed quiet.

He ended up falling asleep after a short while.

He woke up early the next morning in that same chair, a blanket draped over his body.

He wasn’t sure if it had been David or Gwen that put it there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really nervous how this was gonna turn out but I guess it's cute? Idk, this relationship will be explored more later on.


	4. Knife

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another intense chapter. There's no actual graphic content, just some heavy stuff. 
> 
> PSA...please don't do any of the things Daniel considers doing in this chapter. Please.

The Quartermaster out doing…something. As a result, David and Daniel were put to his usual task of making dinner for the kids.

They were going to be making salad and spaghetti. David had gone into town to buy better ingredients than what they had at camp, whilst Daniel waited solemnly in the kitchen.

He had been feeling awful all day. He had no idea why, but he found himself unable to do anything but hide away and bask in his disgust for himself.

He paced the floor for over twenty minutes. He was alone. He didn’t want to be alone. He could say hi to Gwen, who was outside with the kids, but he had promised David he would be in the kitchen when he returned. He couldn’t disappoint him, the one person in this world that truly made him feel safe.

David wasn’t here. Daniel wasn’t safe.

It didn’t matter if the police didn’t know he was here.

It didn’t matter if Campbell was a decaying corpse deep in the forest.

There was only one other person left to be afraid of.

Gwen’s words kept echoing in his mind; “ _If you’re gonna hurt anyone at this point, it’s gonna be yourself._ ”

He wondered if she knew how right she was.

There were knives in the kitchen. Metal, silvery knives. Something he could use to hurt himself.

Something he could use to give himself exactly what he deserved.

Pain. Suffering. _Death_.

He anxiously approached the wooden block where all the knives were sheathed. Slowly, he picked one up with his trembling hand. He breathed heavily. He could see his reflection in the blade; he was hideous.

What now?

Stab himself? Slit his wrists? Maybe just a cut on the arm, just to hurt for a little while.

Or maybe he should just put the knife away and try to stay in control.

 _I shouldn’t do this_ , he thought. _Things are really getting better. David and Gwen care about me. And maybe someday, the campers will too._

 _But_ , he found himself thinking immediately afterward _, why does that matter? That won’t erase what I’ve done. That won’t erase who I am. Nothing will ever truly change. That’s why I must…_

The door opened.

He looked at the entrance.

Preston was standing there. His eyes were huge with utter terror.

Only then did Daniel realize where the knife was now.

Right against his wrist. It was so close to cutting through the friendship bracelet and into his skin.

He looked back at Preston. The boy turned and ran out of the kitchen with a loud, startled yelp.

Daniel dropped the knife. It landed on the floor with a clang.

Oh God, what would have happened if he had already made the cut? That poor boy would have found him bleeding and it would have caused a commotion. He would have scared everyone. He would have scared David.

He didn’t want to scare David. David deserved a life without fear or worry.

He deserved far better than Daniel did.

Suddenly, he found himself in the fetal position on the floor, right by the knife. He could hear himself sobbing loudly.

Then he heard the door slam open. David rushed into the kitchen. He was crying. “Daniel! Oh God, Daniel!”

“I’m sorry!” Daniel wailed. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry!”

“Shh, it’s okay! You’re going to be okay!” David pulled him close and help him tightly. “It’ll be okay…it’ll be okay…”

Daniel nuzzled against his face, still crying. He couldn’t stop, no matter how much he tried to force himself.

Eventually they both calmed down. While they were in their own bubble of protection, Gwen and the campers had brought David’s groceries into the kitchen and stored the food that needed to be kept cold in the fridge. David and Daniel stayed on the floor. David was still holding Daniel close, stroking his hair softly.

“I…I told Preston to come in here to let you know that I was back,” David said softly. “He came right back out and told me you were about to kill yourself. Were you really going to do that?”

“I…I don’t know…” Daniel answered truthfully. “I was j-just wanted to punish myself with that knife. I- I just…I h-hate myself so much, David. I just can’t stop, no matter how much better things get. I’ve been so disgusted with my body and with who I am for so long, I just…”

He was cut off when he suddenly felt David’s lips on his forehead. He felt him cup his face in his hand and lift it up, so they were making eye contact. He got to look into those lush green eyes once more.

“You don’t have to love yourself right away,” David said sternly. “Healing takes time…a lot of time. Please be patient, Daniel. Be patient with me and Gwen and the kids. But more than anyone, be patient with yourself. Things will get so much better if you just keep living and wait. Someday, you’re going to look back on today and be so happy you didn’t go through with it. I promise you.”

Daniel blinked, feeling a few final tears run down. He had no idea how much he needed to hear something like that until right then.

They both finally stood up and fixed themselves up. Daniel felt a lot better now, after crying and hearing David’s inspiring words. It helped that David was here with him now too.

“So,” David said, smiling sweetly. “you ready to get cooking?”

Daniel smiled back. “You bet I am.”

David only allowed Daniel to complete tasks that didn’t involve knives in any way. Daniel was relieved.


	5. Daniel and Preston

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some fun with the campers

Daniel was right back to square one when it came to making the kids like him.

They avoided him now more than ever before.

They had all heard Preston tell David what he was about to do. They all heard him breaking down David’s arms. They all heard him.

Now, they didn’t look at him. They didn’t speak to him. They always scurried away from him.

They were afraid of him again. Not because he had been a murderous cultist, but because he was now a suicidal lunatic. That was how he assumed they saw him now, anyway.

Four days had passed since the incident. Daniel had spent the entirety of the third day hiding in the cabin to stay away from everyone, and had planned on spending the fourth that same way. That is, until David stopped by early in the afternoon.

“Hey Daniel,” he said kindly. “I have something I would like you to do.”

“What is it?” Daniel asked quietly, not looking away from stimming with the friendship bracelet while sitting comfortably in David’s bed.

“Well, Preston has been all by himself at the theater camp today, so I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to talk things out with each other!”

Daniel’s eyes widened with fear, shrinking in on himself. “But…there’s nothing to talk out. I was about to hurt myself. He saw, and I scarred him for life. And now everyone’s afraid of me. It’s as simple as that.”

“You don’t know if you scarred him for _life_ ,” David replies, though he clearly sounds nervous. “You definitely scared him, though. You…well, everyone is a little shaken. And the kids aren’t afraid _of_ you; they’re afraid _for_ you!”

Daniel scoffed. “Same difference.”

“Would you believe me if I told you that Preston asked how you were doing last night?”

Daniel perked up then, turning to look at his co-counselor. “He…He did?”

David nodded.

Daniel couldn’t believe it. The kids were actually showing some care for his well-being! It had to be true; David would never lie to him, he just knew it. He managed to smile a little.

This made David grin from ear to ear. “Oh, look at you! Are you ready to go talk to Preston?”

Daniel took a deep breath and nodded. “I sure am. Thanks, David. I’ll make things right.” He shakily got up from the bed and headed out of the cabin, David giving him a pat on the back as he stepped outside.

He inhaled the fresh mountain air and braced himself. It was a bit of a distance from the cabin to the stage, which gave Daniel plenty of time to think about what he was going to say. But despite this, he could hardly think of anything. Preston was one of the kids who always seemed to be in his own world. He seemed so focused on everything related theater, a subject Daniel knew absolutely nothing about. Hopefully this would be just an exchange of formalities and nothing more.

He soon arrived at the camp stage, where Preston was by himself. He sat at the edge, holding what appeared to be a battery powered Walkman and having headphones on. It was surprising to see someone under the age of thirty with a portable CD player these days. It was even more surprising to see Preston alone; Daniel usually saw him with Harrison and Nerris or occasionally Dolph. It was confusing, but it wasn’t any of his business, he supposed.

“Hello there, Preston!” he greeted in a little louder tone than usual, in case the headphone’s hindered Preston’s ability to hear him.

Much to his surprise, Preston had heard him right away. He instantly looked at him and took the headphones off. “Hello, Daniel,” he said somewhat defensively. His voice was only half its usual fortissimo volume.

“Oh, I didn’t think you would hear me,” Daniel blurted out. This was a bad start.

“Well, I did hear you. So what do you want?”

“David said you were here by yourself and recommended I take the time to talk to you.”

“Oh. So he did.” The young boy seems annoyed. “Talk to me about what?”

“U-Um…” The nervousness and fear were beginning to bubble up.  “D-David said you asked about how I was doing last night.”

“Of course I did!” Preston’s voice was suddenly back at it’s usual volume, dramatically jumping to his feet and clutching his walkman close to his chest. “What, do you think I am some uncompassionate person? I nearly had to witness you die, and then you disappear for a whole day? I couldn’t help but wonder if you had taken your life where no one else-”

Daniel felt his heart pounding. He felt himself shaking, .

He couldn’t decipher Preston’s emotions in his tone. Was he angry that he almost killed himself? Or was he expression genuine concern in a very weird way? He didn’t know him well enough to tell, and it was stressing him out.

Preston suddenly stopped talking. He set the Walkman down, his expression growing concern all of a sudden. “Are you okay?!”

Daniel flinched. “Y-Yes, I’m fine. I- I just…You aren’t mad are you? I’m sorry if I made you mad…” God he was pathetic. He was nearly twenty five yet he was almost in tears because he thought he angered an eleven year old.

Preston quickly shook his head. “No, of course I’m not mad! What makes you think-” He stopped and quieted down, likely realizing what the reason was. “I’m not mad,” he said as he sat back down, his voice still loud but not quite yelling. “I was scared…really scared. But you’re fine, so everything’s okay now.” He

Daniel sighed with relief. “Okay.”

It was probably going to be a mistake, but he decided to take a chance; he slowly made his way to the stairs at the side of the stage. He felt his nerves at the pit of his stomach, but he got on the stage and sat down next to Preston. The boy seemed surprised, but thankfully not upset.

“I didn’t know kids even knew what those things are these days.”

Preston shrugged. “I like having physical copies of my musicals. Besides, if I downloaded all these songs to my phone, I probably wouldn’t have any space left.”

Daniel forced an awkward chuckle. “That makes sense.”

“Do you know anything about musicals?”

“Nope. I’m…pretty out of the loop when it comes to pretty much anything.”

Preston just nodded in acknowledgement in that answer. He was seeming increasingly irritated.

Daniel was certain he had long overstayed his welcome here, but he decided to try to stay a little longer. He had to try to make friends with the campers. He couldn’t just keep running and hiding from them. He needed to connect with at least one of them in some way if he wanted to survive at this camp any longer. “So, ah…What are you listening to?”

Preston opened his mouth to answer, only to suddenly hesitate. “Why do you want to know?”

“Just curious,” Daniel replied earnestly.

Preston stayed silent for another moment before answering, “ _Natasha, Pierre and The Great Comet of 1812_.” He started saying it with a still annoyed tone, but by the time he finished, his tone was almost dreamy as a small smile spread across his face. It was almost as if he was saying the name of a lover.

“Wow, I’ve never heard of that one. Maybe you can tell me a little about it?” Daniel asked.

Preston’s eyes widened, almost sparkling, his smile growing significantly. “Would you really listen to me?”

Daniel nodded.

Preston let out a small squeal, throwing off his headphones. “Okay, so…”

And so the boy began on a very long and very loud explanation of the musicals plot. Apparently, it was based on a small excerpt from Tolstoy’s _War and Peace_ , something Daniel never would have guessed would have a musical adaptation. The plot summary Preston gave was rushed and hard to follow, but he seemed happy so Daniel didn’t mind. He then proceeded to go on about the variety of genres the songs were in, and how the actors interacted with the audience throughout the show.

“…And you’re probably thinking, ‘wow, this should have gotten the Tony for best musical,’ and you would be right! Except that it _didn’t_! _Dear Evan Hansen_ did, for some reason! Which doesn’t even make sense because…”

Daniel was a bit intimidated as Preston shifted into an all out rant about this other musical. It did sound significantly less flashy than the comet one, but he couldn’t be sure if it truly was bad based on Preston’s opinion of it alone. It was still interesting to hear about these things he knew nothing about. He probably would never get a chance to watch these on stage, but that was fine with him.

Finally, Preston exhaled heavily. “So yeah. That’s pretty much it.”

“Well, that certainly was interesting,” Daniel said. “Thank you for sharing with me. I’d like to listen to it when I get a chance.”

Preston gasped dramatically. “You…you really want to listen?!”

Daniel was surprised by the response. “O-Of course.”

“Well, in that case…” Preston hesitated for a second. He then handed the Walkman with the CD inside to Daniel. “You can borrow it for a little while, I guess. Just…don’t break it, okay? It was a gift.”

Though still surprised, Daniel took the Walkman into his hands. “I’ll be careful, I promise.”

He couldn’t believe it. By some miracle, he managed to make actual conversation and make a connection with one of the campers. And he did it without completely panicking!

Later on, back at the cabin, Daniel told David about everything. David instantly beamed, his eyes glittering with job and his body bouncing around like a little rabbit.

“Oh Daniel, I’m so proud of you!” he said, abruptly hugging Daniel. The sudden affection took Daniel aback, but he smiled and returned the embrace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Preston dearly and I hope no one minds me projecting my Very Strong Musical Trash Opinions onto him.
> 
> Every camper will appear at least once in this story, but the ones that get the most focus will be Preston and Max.


	6. Distrust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE ARE BACK IN ACTION (for now)

Daniel managed to listen to the CD and safely return the Walkman to Preston. The boy seemed pleased to have it back. Daniel wanted to talk to him about his experience listening to it, but he didn’t have the chance since the day’s activity was about to start.

The kids gathered near David, who would be leading the activity as usual. Daniel had yet to let himself truly participate in an activity. He didn’t think he was stable enough, and he knew for a fact the kids still didn’t trust him enough. He was on the right track with Preston, but he still had a long way to go with the others.

“We’re going on a nature hike today,” David said. “Daniel, Gwen will be staying here to keep an eye on you.”

Daniel couldn’t help but feel a pang of embarrassment.  He hated the fact that he needed someone to look after him as if he were a child. But he knew that, because of the circumstances, this really was for the best. “Okay, David.”

The group began to make their way into the forest. Daniel watched them go, their eyes looking straight in front of them as if they were deliberately avoiding eye contact with him, although Preston did give him a small, brief smile of acknowledgement.

Only one other camper looked at him- Max. He glared at him, his green eyes almost flashing as he walked with Neil and Nikki.

Daniel was a bit startled by this, more than he thought he would be. The rest of the kids seemed to have calmed down enough after the incident with the knife. Max was the only one behaving like this towards him. He hadn’t outright insulted him since the day he accidentally triggered him. In fact, ever since then, Max seemed to be outright avoiding him. Now he always seemed to be angry at him, if not completely outright hate him. It seemed like the same kind of hate and anger he had towards him when he first came to the camp.

Daniel shuddered, thinking back to their first encounter.

_"You maniac! You brainwashed the entire camp!”_

_“Brainwashed? No, no, no! I just appealed to their emotions and showed them the light! People don’t wanna think, Max; they just wanna feel safe. And feelings beat facts any day!”_

If Max really did hate him, he wouldn’t blame him.

He retreated to the mess hall, where Gwen was. They sat at a table in near silence, the only sounds coming from outside where the Quartermaster was probably doing something questionable. Gwen was texting someone, her eyes glued to her phone screen.  

“Gwen?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think Max hates me?”

Gwen set her phone down. “What?”

Daniel averted his eyes from her. “He seems a lot more…bitter towards me than the rest of the kids are. He looked at me like he wanted to kill me.”

“Listen,” Gwen sighed, putting her phone down. “Don’t take any of this the wrong way; I’m just telling you what happened. What happened the first time you came to the camp…David and I think it effected Max more than the rest of the campers. But not just because of you. It’s because of David.”

Daniel gave her a puzzled look. How could it possibly be David’s fault?

Gwen continued, “David told me how Max tried to tell him over and over that that you were a… _you know_. And he didn’t believe him until you were already gone. I don’t know what Max has going on at home, but he clearly has trouble trusting adults. This happened right when Max seemed like he was starting to trust David, but what happened set that process a few steps back.”

“So I almost singlehandedly destroyed any chance of Max trusting David?” Daniel asked.

“Don’t look at it like that” Gwen said sternly. “David should have believed him; he admitted that himself. He already apologized too. For some reason, I guess Max doesn’t want to be mad at David, so he’s projecting that anger onto you.”

“Well, I’d rather him hate me than David.”

“I think he’ll get over it sooner or later. I hope he does, anyway. I hate seeing you beat yourself up over it.”

Daniel felt his lip turn upwards in a slight smirk, letting out a small, quiet scoff. He had a feeling that they were going to keep seeing him as someone he wasn’t. No matter how they would look at him, it wouldn’t be who he was. He wasn’t a heartless monster, but wasn’t a good person either. He didn’t know what he was. He didn’t want to think about who he was.

He got up and began to walk towards the kitchen. “I’m gonna go make something for the kids.”

“Why?”

“I just feel like it.”

“Why do you bake so much, Daniel?”

“It takes my mind off things. It’s therapeutic.”

“But _why_?”

Daniel wanted to just keep walking and ignore the question, but something in him made him stop and give her an honest answer. “When I was younger, the few times my mother was actually home, she and I would bake together. Doing it reminds me of a time when I wasn’t completely broken, when I hadn’t completely given up my life to made-up bullshit.”

There was a brief, silent pause between them. It made Daniel instantly regret saying all of that. It was probably far too soon to be open about those kinds of feelings…

Then he heard Gwen stand up.

“I’m pretty terrible at anything that involves cooking,” she said with a light laugh. “But I can help you if you want.”

Daniel smiled at her weakly. “I’d like that.”

He didn’t have many proper ingredients on standby, but Gwen found a box of brownie mix in the pantry. It was more mediocre than what Daniel was used to, but it would do for now. They quickly got to work, and even though the brownies didn’t come out completely perfect, Daniel still found himself making them as he chatted and joked with Gwen. It fully distracted him from all his worries about Max and everything else.

For the first time since arriving at the camp, he had no troubles on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally got this chapter done.
> 
> I’m planning on posting chapters 7 through 11 in bulk because they reveal some stuff about Daniel and another character that will require some alterations to the tags. Chapters 8, 9, and 10 are basically done but 7 and 11 still need work. So don’t expect an update to come super soon or anything. Literally never have any expectations ever when I write anything because it always leads to disappointment.
> 
> ALSO thank you everybody for the kudos and comments!!!! They make me so so so happy!!!!


	7. Absent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so
> 
> It’s been a super, super long time since I last updated this. And since the last update, the entirety of Season 3 AND the new Halloween Special have come out. Several things that occur in those episodes…contradict literally everything that’s supposed to happen in this story. But this is an AU so I guess it doesn’t matter that much. I am gonna alter what I was planning for future chapters just a little but other than that this is basically its own canon.
> 
> Anyway sorry for the long wait. I’ve been super buy with school and I got distracted by other interests. I was actually gonna post a couple days ago but something bad happened and delayed it even more. But now I’m gonna post this in bulk with a few other chapters. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Bonquisha broke up with David.

David was absolutely _devastated_. He spent most of the following days hiding under the covers in his bed, sobbing. If Gwen somehow managed to get him out, he would always be on the verge of tears, if not outright bawling. Daniel felt so awful for him, seeing him in such a heartbroken state. He wanted to do something about it, but Gwen told him it was best to leave him be while he recovered.

Due to David’s emotional distress, activities at the camp were put on hold for a few days. The kids were scattered, all doing their own thing. Gwen spent her time in the cabin, texting away at her phone. She seemed to be texting a lot lately, Daniel observed.

Daniel wasn’t really sure what to do with himself, so he just wondered around the camp aimlessly. As he did, he saw Ered skateboarding on the halfpipe and Nuf carving gruesome images into a tree with a knife. He hadn’t seen Max, Nikki, or Neil; they were probably off causing some kind of mischief.

A little further along, he found the remaining campers. Preston, Nerris, Harrison, Dolph, and Space Kid were circled around a game board with some dice, pencils, and papers. It looked like they were playing a game.

“Space Kid, I’m not going to tell you again!” Nerris exclaimed. “Your character is an orc, not a Martian!”

“Can I be an orc-Martian?” Space Kid asked.

“No!”

“Who says he can’t be an orc Martian?” Harrison asked. “I thought this was a _fantasy_ game.”

“Says common sense! Have you ever seen an orc Martian in anything ever? No. There’s never been such a thing as an orc Martian,” Nerris said with her nose up high.

“Well, I don’t see what the big deal is. There’s no such things as elves and dragons either!”

Nerris gasped. “You take that back!”

“Guys!” Preston abruptly interjected. “ _Enough_. Nerris, honey, just let him be an orc-Martian. Let him have fun.”

“Fine,” Nerris groaned. “You can be an orc-Martian, Space Kid.”

“Yay!” Space Kid cheered.

“Does this mean I get to be a mage instead of a dwarf?” Harrison asked slyly, giving her puppy dog eyes.

Nerris sighed, averting her eyes away from him. “Fine. Sure. Whatever.”

“Can we start playing now?” Dolph asked.

“Character creation is a very careful process,” Nerris said sternly. “We can’t proceed until they’re all complete. We have our species and classes, now we must work on our stats.”

“Ugh, that’s gonna take forever,” Harrison groaned.

“Nonsense. It’ll only take two or three hours at most.”

Just then, Preston turned as he seemed to have noticed Daniel watching. He smiled. “Oh, Daniel! I’ve been meaning to speak with you!” He stood up and looked up at the other kids. “I’ll be right back. Go ahead and start without me, okay?”

“Sure, if we even get to start,” Harrison mumbled.

Preston scurried over to Daniel, his body bouncing with excitement like a little rabbit. Daniel couldn’t help but smile at him.

He finally got to tell him what he thought about _The Great Comet_. He greatly enjoyed the music in how it had a wide variety of styles and genres from song to song. Some of the characters annoyed him, but he found most of them entertaining. He found Pierre the most relatable, as he had been in the exact same position as him before; studying endlessly in solitude while truly wanting nothing more but to die.

“I’m so glad you liked it!” Preston squealed as the two of them sat down on a log. “It’s so underrated, it’s literally a sin!”

Daniel chuckled nervously due to the phrasing of that comment. “Yeah…Do your friends over there like it too?”

“Well, they’re mostly indifferent. They’re not really theater people.” Preston shrugged. “And I wouldn’t call them _friends_ , per say. I’m not exactly used to having friends. I’m more comfortable seeing them as younger siblings. It would feel weird to not have someone to look after for once.”

“Who were you looking after before?”

“My grandmother. She’s the one who raised me, but she was already so old when I was born. By the time I started elementary school, it was already time for me to start taking care of her.”

“Do you live alone with her?”

“Yeah. There’s a nurse who looks after her while I’m not there, but for most of my life it’s just been us. I’ve never had a father, and my mother travels a lot for work. She hardly ever comes home. And when she does actually come, she never hugs me or looks me in the eye.” Preston’s tone and expression saddened. “She’s always been absent from my life. I could always tell that she doesn’t want me. I don’t really care anymore, though.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.” A kid as young and full of aspirations as Preston shouldn’t have to handle all of that.

“It’s okay,” Preston smiled a little. “I’m fine with how my life is. It’s frustrating sometimes, but it’s all worth it. So, what was _your_ family like, Daniel?”

Daniel was surprised at that question, but he did his best to answer “My parents were… absent as well. My father was a pastor who devoted a lot of his time and loyalty to his church, and my mother travelled a lot, like yours. They did love me though, despite everything.”

“Wait, despite what? Do they know about-”

“They don’t know about the things I’ve done,” Daniel said quickly in slight panic, before calming down. “They didn’t know I was making a…an _alternative religion_. There were other things about me that probably made loving me difficult for them.”

“Like what?”

Daniel opened his mouth to say what the main cause of most of his childhood issues, which occurred both before and even after his time at Camp Campbell. But he froze up, suddenly seized by nerves. “Ah…When I was born, I was…I mean…” He reflexively put a hand on his chest, running his fingers over where he knew those scars were.

He glanced at Preston. The boy was just staring at him, obviously confused.

There was no other choice than to just say it. “I’m transgender.”

“Oh.”

Daniel sighed heavily “It was never easy dealing with it. I put up with a lot of bullshit at church and school. It wasn’t until…” he stopped, bad memories starting to resurface. His body began to tremble.

Preston lightly put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. School and stuff is hard for me too. I’ve always been the only kid in the whole class who likes theater. So I’ve never exactly had friends before. But you know what?”

“What?”

“I don’t give a FUCK!” Preston beamed, abruptly jumping to his feet. “I couldn’t care less would a bunch of _jerks_ think of me and my interests. I’m me, I’m proud of me, and they can’t do anything to change me!”

Daniel grinned. “That’s a good way of looking at things.” He envied Preston’s ability to uphold such an attitude. It sounded emotionally exhausting, but this kid clearly had more than enough energy to keep it up.

“Preston!” Dolph’s voice suddenly called out. The tiny boy scurried up to them with a look of worry on his face. “You must return to ze game! Nerris and Harrison are fighting again!”

Preston sighed. He hopped down from the log. “It was nice talking to you, Daniel. Maybe we can talk some more later.” Smiling, he and Dolph walked away.

Daniel watched their figures shrink and disappear into the horizon.

He was happy to have had such a long, positive conversation with one of the campers.

But as the sense of solitude set in, the happiness faded quickly into numbness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So about Daniel being trans…I started headcanonning this like literally a week or so after I posted Daniel’s Story. I thought about not making it explicit and just being silent about in this story, but then I was like fucking whatever and just slid it on in anyway. It’ll only be a major topic in two more chapters (8 and 11) and it’ll probably get mentioned like two three or times after that. I really wish I had thought to make this a thing in Daniel’s Story, since something like this a pretty important detail about someone’s life. But I did some thinking and I guess Daniel’s Story isn’t really about his past as a whole, but more about the stuff involving Cameron and the cult shit. So more in-depth stuff about Daniel’s past is in the next chapter. 
> 
> (Also spoiler alert...Daniel isn't the only trans character in this story)
> 
> Again, I’m sorry for the wait. Feedback is much appreciated. Also, thanks so much for all the kudos and comments! They make my day!


	8. Memory Interlude 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhhh okay I know it's unprofessional to have a chapter like this but...idc

Daniel had wonderful parents.

They were rarely around. They believed in things he would never agree with for as long as he lived.

But they were wonderful.

Because they loved him.  

~XXX~

Pastor Robert Dawson and his wife, Bethany, stood in front of their church, surrounded by people. They were fawning over a small pink bundle in Bethany’s arms.

The infant wrapped in the bundle, who had never seen much beyond the pastor’s house before, looked at all the people with big pale gray-blue eyes, unable to understand why they were all so close, or why they were all smiling so big, or why they were talking so loudly.

“Oh she’s so cute!” a woman in an expensive dress and way too much makeup cooed. “I can already see she has her mother’s eyes!”

“Congratulations, Bob,” the woman’s husband said to the pastor.

Robert smiled with pride. “Thank you for your kind words, everyone. Beth and I are very proud to welcome our little angel into the world and into our congregation.”

~XXX~

Dresses were horrible. They weren’t right. It wasn’t that they were completely uncomfortable. It wasn’t that they weren’t pretty. Something just felt _wrong_ about wearing them. He avoided them at all costs.

He had a love-hate relationship with baths. He needed there to be lots of bubbles in order to enjoy it. Otherwise, he would be able to see his body through the crystal water. He didn’t like what he saw. It made him feel gross.

He would look at himself, and he would look at the other girls from church and from school. He didn’t feel right being placed with them. He didn’t belong with them.

“Daddy?” he said to his father one evening after supper.

“Yes, sweetheart?” he responded. His voice was so deep and rich and full of kindness.

“I think God made a mistake.”

“What do you mean?” His expression and tone didn’t change.

“I think I’m supposed to be a boy.”

His father’s brows rose. “Why, that’s not true. I know you hate wearing dresses and all that, but that doesn’t mean-”

“No,” he interrupted his father for the first and only time in his life, tears filling his eyes. “I’m a boy.”

~XXX~

“Gender dysphoria?”

His parents had brought him to the best psychiatrist they could afford. That was the diagnosis.

The psychiatrist spoke with them in private for a long while. He was left in the corner of the waiting room with some toys. He didn’t play with them. He was too filled with fear.

Was there something wrong with him?

Finally, his mother and father sat down with him on the couch. Their eyes were wet with tears, but they were smiling.

“ _Son_ ,” his father said. “God didn’t make a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. He made you a boy. He just made you a little bit differently.”

“Either way, God loves you,” his mother said. “And we love you too.”

~XXX~

It was hard being the only trans kid in a Christian school.

The administration didn’t care if his name was now legally Daniel. He was still listed as his old name on the attendance roster.

It didn’t matter that all of his records said he was male. They still made him wear the girl’s uniform with that stupid plaid skirt that he hated so much.

It didn’t matter if his father was one of the most successful, respected pastors in the county. They didn’t care. They only cared about what was between his legs and judged him based on that alone.

On top of it all, Daniel was incapable of making any friends at that school. He was a timid child by nature, and the environment he was placed in only made him worse off. His insistence that he was a boy was an annoyance to his peers.

The girls acted as if he didn’t even exist. Even though he was always grouped with them for various activities, they held their noses high and kept their backs turned to him.

The boys would laugh at him and call him a freak. During recess, they would push him to the ground and threw toys and spitballs at him. They even pulled his skirt down in front of everyone a few times. The teachers did intervene on occasion, but every time they did, they would say, “ _That is no way to treat a girl_.”

Daniel hated his classmates. He hated his teachers. He hated his school.

He had to hide to survive, behind trees or large rocks. He watched the kids play together. They looked much happier without him around. Daniel wished he had someone to play with, someone who would be nice to him and call him by the correct name.

It didn’t help that his parents couldn’t help much. His mother couldn’t do anything, always being caught up in conferences taking place several states away. His father had numerous meetings with the principal and the school board, begging them to treat his son like a boy and defend him from being bullied even further. But they never changed.

“Can I please go to a different school?” Daniel asked one night.

“I’m sorry, Danny,” his father said with a sad tone, “but all of the other children from our church go to this school. Besides, the only other schools in town are public schools, and the children there will be just as cruel there. You will just have to tolerate this for now.”

“Why does God let this happen, Dad?”

His father gave no answer.

~XXX~

Church was almost as bad.

It was better in that at least it didn’t last as long. At least his father was there, and his mother was there sometimes.

The kids from school were there. They weren’t too mean to him, now that they were under the watchful eyes of their parents. But they still gave him dirty looks and made faces at him.

The grown-ups were kind to him when his parents were near. But sometimes, he would hear them gossiping. They would say mean and horrible things about him, and they would scorn his parents for letting him be a boy.

He shied away from them all, hiding behind his father, wondering why God gave him this life.

~XXX~

Daniel already hated his body.

It was the wrong body. It was a bad body.

Then he got sent to Camp Campbell.

It was the first time all of the kids and the grown-ups were nice to him. They called him by the right name. They didn’t get mad at him for wearing boy’s clothes. They let him play with them. It was only natural that he became extremely trusting of the place. It was only natural that he trusted Mr. Cameron Campbell…

…He shouldn’t have trusted Mr. Campbell.

How could God let this happen?

How could God put him in such a horrible body? How could God let that horrible man do those painful things to him?

Daniel came to a realization.

God was bad. God didn’t care about him.

But at least there was Xemug.

~XXX~

His mother started being home more often when he started middle school. She was there for him when he got his first period and when it was time to start dealing with chest issues. She taught him how to bake, and they would bake cookies and cakes together every few weekends.

His father started giving more time to him as well. He would help him with his homework and taught him how to play the fiddle.

He was glad to have more than just a fraction of his parents’ attention for once in his life.

The kids that had bullied him for all of his life were now worse than ever. They were bigger and full of hormones and aggression. Boys and girls alike beat him up and called him scathing slurs. He didn’t want his parents to know. He hid the bruises and the other signs.

One day after classes had finished, a group of girls dragged him to the courtyard behind the school. They tore off his shirt and removed his makeshift binder with a pair of scissors. They groped his chest and laughed at him before pushing him to the concrete ground and kicking him in the back and stomach a few times. Two teachers passed by this happening, but they ignored it. They left him there alone, laying on the concrete. He was in too much pain to move.

He didn’t cry. He hadn’t cried since his last encounter with Mr. Campbell. After feeling that kind of pain, crying about anything else seemed silly.

He would have stayed at that spot all night if his parents hadn’t gone looking for him.

His father finally put his foot down. He removed him from that school and sent him to one that was one town over. The tuition was more expensive, and it was a thirty-minute drive away, but his father said it was no longer an issue and shouldn’t have been considered an issue in the first place. “I want you to be somewhere you can be happy, Daniel. The minute someone even tries to hurt you, I want you to let me know and I’ll try to find somewhere even better.”

Daniel appreciated it. But at this point, it didn’t matter. It was far too late.

It didn’t matter that this school let him wear the boy’s uniform and let him register with his correct name. It didn’t matter that the teachers were kind to him and that his peers tried to befriend him.

Too much damage was done.

He didn’t trust anyone anymore. He barely even trusted his parents.

Instead, he hid from them all, preferring to hide in his room and read library books about cults.

~XXX~

High school was a bit better than middle school. Daniel was transitioning smoothly. He had a real binder now, and he was taking hormones that allowed his voice to deepen. He still had strong dysphoria, but this was at least a little comforting.

Everyone at school was nice, but Daniel still couldn’t find it in himself to trust them. He continued to study cults and other taboos behind closed doors. He spent more and more time in his room.

He scarcely ever came into contact with his parents.

~XXX~

Daniel was relieved to finish high school.

He wasn’t valedictorian or anything, but he did have good grades, and he managed to get into a pretty good university out of state.

His parents were so proud of him, and his father became even prouder when Daniel told him he would be majoring in theology.

“Does my boy want to be pastor like his old man?” his father chuckled warmly.

Daniel laughed nervously. “Well, I don’t know about that.”

The truth was Daniel didn’t care about the degree or what could be done with it.

He only cared about the knowledge. He only cared about what he would learn from the classes.

A few weeks after graduating high school, he finally got top surgery. His parents had been so kind to let him have such a thing many others wouldn’t allow their child to have.

He didn’t deserve such a privilege. The scars left behind were a reminder of that.

Once he was finally at the university, he seized the opportunity to finally completely isolate himself.

Go to class, do homework, work on studying for his own beliefs. That was his college life. That was all he did and all he wanted to do. There was one girl from he met that he became acquainted with, but aside from her, he was completely alone by his own choice.

He managed to perfect his façade of being a happy-go-lucky guy without a care in the world. It came in handy for when he had to deal with group projects and meeting with his professors. He wished it was his real personality. It was exactly what Xemug would want him to be like.

He rarely contacted his parents. He only ever had phone calls with them a couple times a week. He didn’t visit them during vacations; he spent those at his acquaintance’s apartment. He didn’t even tell them that he had gotten a hysectomy until over a year after the procedure.

He didn’t want them to find out what he was studying. He didn’t want them to see the bags under his that formed from so many sleepless nights. He didn’t want them to see the red patches on his skin left from scrubbing too long and too hard during his showers. He didn’t want them to see what he was becoming.

Of course, seeing them became inevitable when it came time to graduate.

After the ceremony, he met with his parents and they both gave him big hugs while crying tears of joy.

He wanted to scream, feeling awful from having his impure body being touched by them.

He was thankful his graduation robes covered everything that needed to be hidden

~XXX~

Daniel moved back in with his parents after graduating from university.

He had nowhere else to go, at least not for now.

He spent all of his time in his bedroom, slaving away at his laptop, perfecting his manifesto.

His reclusiveness couldn’t go unnoticed by his parents, of course.

He had to attend church with them. The parishioners still ostracized him, even after all those years that had gone by, but he didn’t care about that anymore. What he couldn’t tolerate as standing there and singing praise to a god some jackass made up to distract people from the truth. He was amazed he hadn’t had an outright panic attack in the middle of a service yet from how uncomfortable he was.

Supper with his parents was almost as hard. The meals were typically quiet and awkward. Daniel didn’t know how to even speak to his parents anymore.

“Say, Daniel,” his father said to him one evening. “The Sunday school is looking for volunteer teachers. It won’t pay, but it’ll at least can give you something you can use that degree of yours for the meantime. It will look nice on your resume.”

“No thank you,” Daniel mumbled, picking at his food. He didn’t even try to keep up the happy façade at home. He didn’t have the energy. The energy he had left to feign happiness had to be reserved for when he began his mission.

“I think it’s a wonderful opportunity for you, sweetie,” his mother said. “It will give you a chance to get out of the house on occasion.”

Daniel scoffed. “Yeah. Lord knows you’ve spent plenty of occasions out of the house, Mom.”

Silence.

He felt his parents’ eyes on him.

Did he really say that? Did he seriously just insult his mother without even giving much thought to it at all?

He didn’t know what happened. Somehow, some aggression he had been trying to repress for years bubbled to the surface.

He immediately felt a pang of shame.

He got up and scurried to his bedroom, completely silent. He got his laptop out and went back to work, but it was hard to concentrate with thoughts of what just occurred lingering in his mind.

Those feelings he had were real.

He was spiteful of his mother. He hated how she was absent for a large part of his childhood.

He was spiteful of his father too. He hated how it was for the sake of that man’s awful church that he had to be tormented for so many years of his life at that awful school.

He hated how they sent him to Camp Campbell that awful summer.

_No_.

He caught himself. This was bad. This isn’t what Xemug would want him to feel. In fact, he didn’t even want to feel these things himself.

Negative emotions were bad. Negative emotions were the enemy.

He shouldn’t feel these emotions, especially not towards his parents.

They believed in a false deity. They were to blame for most of his childhood sufferings. But he couldn’t hate them, since they still showered him in so much love despite everything.

It was the exact kind of love he didn’t deserve.

It was the exact kind of love that made him hate himself more.

The more love they poured into him, the more their hearts would break when they find out about his plans. He couldn’t put them through that. They didn’t deserve it.

If only they knew about Xemug. If only his plans for the Purification Sauna were further along. Then he could just let them ascend and save the whole family from pain.

But it wasn’t going to work out like that.

He needed to get away from them.

He needed to get out this house.

The text for manifesto was finished. He was in the final stages of editing it. Just a few more hours and he would be done…

His father came into his room.

“Daniel?” he said softly. His voice was oozing with sickening kindness.

“Yes, Dad?” Daniel responded coldly. He didn’t remove his eyes from the laptop screen.

“Your mother and I are very worried about you.”

“You don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“You’ve seemed awfully depressed ever since you moved back in. We’re going to let your comment from dinner slide. We know it must be rough to not find success right out of college. But remember, we’ll always support you no matter what.”

_No you won’t_ , Daniel thought. _You won’t support what I’m planning to do. No sane human ever would._

Then his mother stepped in, standing next to her husband. “Daniel, honey, maybe tomorrow we can take some time off and do some baking together?”

“Please leave me alone,” Daniel hissed, sounding far more aggressive than he intended to.

His parents walked away.

Daniel spent most of the next day at the local library, making the final revisions and the printing out two full copies. One was for himself, but the other was for someone else. He called up his acquaintance. She agreed to let him stay with her for some time while he got the rest of the preparations done.

He skipped dinner and spent the whole evening in his room.

It was the final day he spent under his parents’ roof.

~XXX~

He packed his bags silently in the night. He only took what he knew he would need.

He departed without a word while his parents slept.

He left behind the extra printed copy of his manifesto and a letter:

_Mom and Dad:_

_This will be the last you will ever hear from me._

_I have unfortunate news for you: the “god” you’ve spent so long preaching and advocating for is nothing but fiction. I have spent the last several years researching the true gods. After I finish writing this letter, I will leave to begin my journey of spreading the true gospel. In the packet that I left with this message is my writings containing everything anyone will need to know about the true gods. I will not force the information onto you, however. You don’t have to believe anything I’m saying. Only read it if you chose to. Go ahead and dismiss me as a rambling loonatic. I don’t want to corrupt your world of fables with these horrible truths._

_This mission I am about to go on requires me to commit many horrific sins. If you knew what exactly I have to do, you would hate me. You may even hate me already, just knowing that I’ve only been pretending to practice what you have been preaching. It’s okay, though. I’m a disgusting human being. My body has been tainted in ways that would break your heart to imagine. I am unclean, filled to the brim with negativity towards myself and this unforgiveable world. I would have killed myself years ago, but this gave me a reason to keep going. Sadly, that won’t be the case once I have finished my mission. But it will be okay; this was the life that was meant for me. I know you won’t understand, and you don’t have to. You don’t even have to forgive me. Please don’t forgive me. Please don’t consider me your son. Please never even think about me again. I’m not worth it._

_Thank you for everything. You treated me far better than I deserved._

_I love you._

_-Daniel_

He kissed the envelope containing the letter before leaving it on the living room coffee table with the manifesto.

He left the house and got in his car. He pulled out of the driveway, taking a final look at the house he could no longer call home.

“Goodbye,” he muttered.

He drove off and he never looked back.

He had no way of knowing of how his parents reacted to those words he left behind.

That fact gave him some relief.

~~XXX~~

Daniel had wonderful parents.

They were wonderful because they loved him. 

He spent most of his life taking their love for granted.

He doubted he’d ever be able to get it back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's gonna be another memory interlude later but for now we're gonna get back on a linear track


	9. Clean

Daniel woke up to the sound of Gwen emerging from the cabin’s bathroom.

He sat up from his sleeping bag, rubbing his eyes and suppressing a yawn. Gwen was in a white robe, her hair wrapped in a pink towel.

“Morning,” she said softly, since David was still asleep. “Bathroom’s all yours. I’ll meet you at the mess hall.”

Daniel nodded in acknowledgement. He looked up at the bed next to him. David’s body was cocooned beneath a shield of blankets. It scarcely budged at all.

Poor David. It had been over a week since Bonquisha broke up with him. Two days before, the campers tried to get him back together with her. Predictably, it ended in disaster, with David discovering Bonquisha had already found a new boyfriend and attempting to physically assault him. He must have _really_ loved her…

Daniel shook his head, ridding himself of those thoughts. It was time for a shower. He got out of the sleeping bag and got his outfit of the day from on the cabin’s drawers. He quickly and quietly went into the bathroom as Gwen began to get herself dressed.

He quietly shut the door in the bathroom. The counselors’ bathroom was pretty small, and it often had a questionable scent in its air. It was uncomfortable, but it had the best indoor plumbing in the entire camp.

He slowly and hesitantly stripped down. He quickly folded his night clothes and laid them neatly on the toilet lid next to his folded pile of clean clothes.

He knew most people turned the water on before stepping in the shower, but he preferred doing the opposite. He stepped inside and turned on the cold water first. He shivered as it hit his body. He then turned up the warm water, but only enough to make sure the temperature wasn’t dangerously cold. Warm water was something that needed to be used sparsely at Camp Campbell, though this was how Daniel usually did things anyway.

He thoroughly washed his hair, scrubbing and lathering it until his head started to ache. He took his sweet time with it in order to prolong the hard part; washing his body.

He began to scrub himself, every part of himself that he could reach. Every single day, it was in vain. No matter how hard or how thoroughly he tried, he never felt clean. Yet he kept on trying.

He couldn’t remember a single time in his life when he didn’t feel like a filthy creature. He wondered if he would ever feel comfortable in this body. He wondered if he would ever feel clean.

Pain was beginning to register, but he ignored it. He knew this meant it was time to stop. But he still kept going. This spot was dirty, just like the rest of him. He kept on scrubbing.

He wondered how David and Gwen would feel if the saw his scars. They knew he was trans and were okay with it, but scars that coated his body would make anyone disgusted. They would probably even disgust David-

“ _Ack_!” There was spike of pain that made him hiss.

He lifted the wash cloth from the spot.

The skin was completely red. There was some blood there too. “Fuck…”

It was the first time he had done this since coming to the camp.

In the past he would simply move on to another spot of his body to scrub and scrub at until it was raw and bleeding, followed by just huddling in the corner of the shower and staying silent, letting frigid water hit him. But he couldn’t do that now. Water was a precious resource at Camp Campbell, after all.

He ran the wound over some cold water and rinsed off the rest of his body. He was freezing, but he didn’t care.

He finally shut the water off and stepped out of the shower. He dried off his shaking body as much as he could and put on his clothes. He then stepped out of the bathroom and was instantly met with a sight he wasn’t expecting to see.

David was getting out of bed. His hair was messy and slightly greasy. His eyes were a bit red and had slight bags under them. His face was still tear streaked from days of crying. But at least he was up and out of bed.

He turned towards the bathroom doorway and flinched. “Daniel, what happened to your arm?!”

“Scrubbed too hard. It’s an old habit.”

“You should put a bandage on it.”

“It’s fine, David. It usually heals pretty fast-”

David shushed him and hastily got up from the bed. He walked right past him into the bathroom, retrieving a mini first aid kit from the medicine cabinet.

“David, this is really unnecessary,” Daniel protested, but David kept on.

He sat Daniel down on the bed and took some supplies out of the kit. He dabbed some disinfectant on the wound with a cotton ball. Then he took out the bandages and began to carefully dress the wound. Daniel watched in silence. He felt warmth in his heart from how much care David was putting into this.

“There we go, nice and safe,” David said, lightly patting the bandaged wound as he finished. “Oh! I almost forgot the most important part! The get-better hug!” He then pulled Daniel into a brief but tight hug.

Physical contact was always something Daniel dreaded. It made his usual discomfort with himself shoot through the roof. But there was something about David’s touches, especially his hugs, that had the exact opposite effect on him. David’s embrace was a small sanctuary where he could actually feel okay about himself, even if it was just for a few seconds.

What was it about David that made everything feel okay?

Daniel decided not to question it, at least not now.

He chuckled as he felt David squeeze his body. “Thank you, David. You…seem a lot better today.”

David pulled away, a melancholy smile on his face. “Well, I’m not completely okay yet. But yeah, it’s getting a little better. You go get breakfast. I think I’ll take a shower now.”

Daniel watched silently as David went into the bathroom. He got up and went outside. He made his way to the mess hall, unable to take his mind off of how David’s embrace made him feel.


	10. Epiphany

David was finally starting to seem mostly healed from his breakup. He wasn’t crying all day anymore, and he was more focused on camp activities. But despite this, Daniel still felt as though something was _off_ about him. He still wasn’t smiling as much as he had used to. A cloud of depression still hovered over him. Well, perhaps it wasn’t exactly depression. Maybe it was just melancholy, or mere confusion. Whatever it was, it was very clear that something was still dragging David’s thoughts and feelings down.

“Do you think David is really over Bonquisha?” Daniel asked Gwen one late afternoon.

Gwen was texting someone, not taking her eyes off her phone screen. She just shrugged.

“I think there might be something else wrong,” Daniel spoke louder, trying to get Gwen’s attention.

“Then try talking to him, if you really think something’s wrong,” Gwen said nonchalantly.

Daniel’s eyes narrowed. Whoever Gwen was texting, she was seeming a lot more focused on them than on basically anything else. But he kept that thought to himself. “Alright, then.”

He found David sitting alone at the back porch of the counselor’s cabin, staring at nothing as the sun was setting. He hesitantly sat next to him “How are you, David?” he asked.

“I’m fine, Daniel. Just fine.” David’s face had no expression as he spoke in a soft, somewhat shaky tone.

“You don’t seem fine.”

David smiled melancholically. “Well, I realized something, and I’m trying to come to terms with it. I…” He paused for a moment, hesitating and looking down at the ground. “I never actually had feelings for Bonquisha.”

“Wait, _what_?” Daniel exclaimed. “But…you were so torn apart. You cried for _days_. You tried to beat her new boyfriend with a chair.”

David blushed. “Yeah, I know, I took the breakup really hard. She was a wonderful person to be with, but really thinking about things, I think I’m better off just being friends with her. I could never see myself marrying her or having sex with her or anything beyond casually dating her.”

“Then why were you so upset?”

“Well, I never had been in a relationship before. I never tried to date any girls for most of my life; none of the ones I knew ever really interested me. I always thought I just needed to find the right girl. I tried Tinder out because I figured I could use it to have a better chance of finding her, even if she wasn’t near me. Bonquisha was the only one who gave me a shot. I was so happy just to be in a relationship.” He chuckled sadly. “And the funny thing is, if Max hadn’t catfished her using my profile, she probably would have never even found me, let alone go out with me. It just wasn’t meant to be.”

Daniel felt his heart ache with empathy. “I can kind of relate. I’ve never tried to date anyone either. I’ve always been too obsessed with…things I shouldn’t have been, and I’ve always been too disgusted with myself to think I was even worthy of dating anyone.” _It didn’t exactly help that I was basically an outcast for most of my life_ , he thought to himself.

David nodded sympathetically. “I’m sorry it was so rough for you, Daniel. I’m sure you’ll find your own special someone someday. But me? I’m kind of ready to give up on romance.” He sighed. “I’m starting to wonder if I’m just destined to be single forever. I’ve always been more than ready to dedicate my entire life to this camp. But there still feels like something missing in my life. And whatever it is, I haven’t been able to find it in a woman.”

“Maybe you just aren’t meant to be with a woman,” Daniel said. “That doesn’t mean you’re destined for loneliness. You said it yourself; girls never really interested you. You could just be gay or asexual.”

There was a beat of silence. Daniel watched as David’s eyes suddenly widened.

“Oh my gosh…” he whispered, putting his hand near his mouth. “ _Oh my God_.”

“D-David?” Daniel asked with concern, hesitantly putting a hand on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“Daniel, I…” David hesitated with a smile. “I think you’re onto something here. I’ll need to spend some time thinking about that.” He suddenly brought Daniel into a tight hug. “Thank you.”

Daniel slowly hugged him back. “You’re welcome.”

He watched David get up and walk back inside quietly. He remained seated there, trying to process all that had just happened. He wasn’t exactly sure what happened; he didn’t do anything. He just gave David some advice that he wasn’t even sure would be helpful.

It wasn’t until then that he realized that his entire face was burning up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *eye emojis*
> 
> So that's it for now...More is coming, I just don't know when. 
> 
> Feedback is super appreciated! Thank you all for your support!


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